The Words I Long to Hear
by Stirack
Summary: Oneshot, Leroux Erik with sprinkles of Kay if you squint REALLY hard. Erik's dreamed plan of proposing to Christine on the rooftop of the Garnier and his shaky proposal, tested out on César the horse from le Prophete on the shores of Lake Averne. Much heartache, and many reflections made by Erik while studying his image mirrored on the lake's surface.


"…C-Christine, what I've been t-trying to explain is that I truly do l-love you, more than life, more-more than MUSIC! …And I w-would be the l-luckiest man in the world if you would agree to be my… w-w-wife!" Sweat dripped down my face and dampened my mask uncomfortably, my fingers laced together almost in a sign of prayer at my plea. I waited expectantly with baited breath and a tightness in my chest which I could not attribute to fickle health.

If horses had the ability to laugh, then César was surely doing so, snorting into my face and pushing his nose to the center of my chest. I scowled and gently shoved his head away, sighing hopelessly and plopping to the ground. The gravel of the underground lakeshore stabbed me none to gently through my clothing, the black waters of Lake Averne lapped at my boots.

"Was it truly _that_ terrible, César? Surely you exaggerate!"

In response, the horse rested his great ivory head on my shoulder, nibbling playfully at my hair and the edge of my mask and whinnying. Again, I had the distinct feeling that the equine was laughing at me.

"What?" I challenged, turning and look the horse square in his bright blue eyes. "You think you could do any better, _gelding?"_ A chuckled bubbled up from deep in my chest as César tugged the black silk mask from my face. I wrapped my arms around his neck lovingly, comforted by the softness of his long mane tickling my hollow cheek.

Animals care little for looks; show them kindness, and they give you loyalty and unconditional love in return. Perhaps that was why I preferred their company far more than that of the human race.

In a dog-like, almost comical manner, the great white horse lowered himself to the ground, lying next to me and resting his head in my lap fondly. I ran my long fingers between his ears and stroked his groomed forelock.

"I wouldn't marry me either…" I submitted miserably, retrieving my stolen mask from between César's teeth and studying it as it lay in the palms of my hands. I'd left my porcelain one at home, which covered the whole of my face from my hairline to my chin- and seemed the preferred mask Christine would have me wear- and had instead substituted it for the silk one. Though more comfortable, the latter left my lips and chin exposed. I replaced mask, tying it firmly and resolutely behind my head. For some odd reason, I felt inclined to lean over to examine the water's surface, and in doing so my own rippled reflection.

"The silk one isn't so bad," I reasoned to myself. "Really, I don't see what Christine has against this bit of my face- it's not even the most dreadful part! The skin is unmarred, albeit pale," I traced the point of my chin with one finger, "And my lips are not too dreadful," I gently pressed my finger to my mouth, barely able to feel the curve of my too thin lips beneath my bony finger, "Such lips as I have. What could it be, _mon ami?" _

I rubbed César's nose, causing him to raise his head and affectionately rub his face against the side of my own. I chortled and smiled widely, draping an arm over the horse's neck. My gleeful laughter halted abruptly when I caught sight of my reflection in the water again. "…That could be the reason she doesn't care much for this mask…"

I'd never taken notice of what my smile looked like. I've never used the expression enough to catch a glimpse of it in a reflection. In my mirror image, even the slightest smile appeared similar to the maniacal jeering of a skull. Because of the unnatural thinness of my lips- such lips as I have- my teeth appeared far too defined, stark white against blood red gums and my canines were a tad too sharp and prominent to appear normal.

It was a rather unsettling sight, and suddenly I didn't fault my darling Christine nearly as much for not wishing to see it.

"Can I not even express joy like everyone else?" A gloomy cloud was taking up permanent residence over my head. What a horrid creature I was, to impose my deathly company upon the innocent songbird. I stood and began pacing the shore, holding out a hand to prevent César from following me.

"What a wicked devil I am!" I moaned to the empty caverns. Damn my evil face! Damn my corpse's body! If not for them, I would be as good as any viscount in my beloved's eyes!

I angrily kicked a rock out towards the lake. A resounding splash joined my enraged growls.

"I have money, far more than that sniveling brat of a boy, I bestow upon her my deepest affections, and I would do anything for her- I would die, I would even commit murder for her!" My rage died just as quickly as it had sparked. I looked wildly into the reflecting water again.

"…And you also have an evil, violent temper Erik," my mirror image reminded me, that sense of hopelessness returning again. "And Erik is a murdering, extorting, sadistic, ugly bastard that is as mad as a hatter…"

"Do you think I don't know I'm off in the head? I'm arguing with you right now, aren't I? And it's only fleeting bouts of madness, mind you… I'm sane some of the time…"

"But that doesn't address Erik's other wonderful personal perks, now does it?"

"You are no help!"

"Erik is only being sensible because he can be a gullible twit."

"Bugger off!" I turned stubbornly away from the lake, but not before disrupting the water's surface with anther stone. Blessed silence greeted my ears.

The clopping of César's hooves began to move towards me, the horse no doubt alarmed by my insane rambling. I reached within the pocket of my swallow tailcoat, gravely examining the plain gold ring which I held between my thumb and forefinger; the ring which I had given to my love and the ring which she had so carelessly lost and forgotten upon the roof of the Opera with her lover while I watched brokenly and ready to die upon Apollo's lyre.

Tears welled up in the deep sockets of my eyes as I thought back to the plan, more or less a dream, that I had been formulating- the setting also having been the roof of the Garnier, though the events which would have transpired there would have been vastly different.

It was then that César chose to nudge me in the back and give a neigh in question. I faced the white steed and sadly petted his jaw.

"It would have been beautiful, César- beautiful! I would have told Christine we were going on another midnight carriage ride, and instead surprised her by taking her up to the roof to see all of Paris! I would have waited for a cloudless night so she would not be so frightened of the dark, when all the stars shined brightly and the moon glowed. The snow would have made it a picture straight from heaven. She would express her delight with a charmingly little grin- which I now know I couldn't have joined in with…- and thanked me for surprising her so wonderfully. We would have spoken on trivial matters, and perhaps I would have brought my violin and played her a piece…

I would then casually ask her where my ring had disappeared to, knowing full well that at that time I would have secreted it off her finger and into my coat pocket without her knowing it. She would see the missing band and then- oh, but only in my wildest imaginings!- before she had a chance to panic and fret, I would kneel before her, and offer her my ring, that which I had given before as a sign of protection and friendship, but this time telling her I loved her and with the intentions of having her hand in marriage!" I tightly wrapped my arms around myself in a constricting hold, digging skeletal digits into my shoulders as tears flowed freely from my eyes.

"And, oh, maybe, just maybe, if God were kind and generous, she would not refuse me outright; there may even be the slightest of chance that she would say… that she would say…" I choked on a sob, gasping for air.

"That she would s-say… yes. Th-that she would s-say she l-l-loved me… oh, Christine…" And I shakily pressed the golden ring to my lips to prevent another sob from escaping. I slumped to my knees, broken.

"Oh," I whispered, my voice carrying like a lament throughout the darkness of my lonely cellars, "the words I long to hear…"


End file.
